OOOOOPSIES!!!!!
A woman was worried whether or not her
dead husband made it to
heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo
of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering,
"Hello Margaret, this is meeee..."
"Fred," she answered. I just
have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like
there?"
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful
here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer,
the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I
ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and
sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to
heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered.
"What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."
********** A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." ********** It was one of mother's hectic days. Her small son, who had been playing outside, came in with his pants torn. "You go right in, remove those pants, and start mending them yourself," she ordered. Some time later she went to see how he was getting along. The torn pants were lying across the chair, and the door to the cellar, usually kept closed, was open. She called down the stairs, loudly and sternly "Are you running around down there without your pants on?" "No, Ma'am," was the deep-voiced reply. "I'm just down here reading your gas meter." ********** (For all those who tend to be
humiliated at the OB-GYN office...In Melbourne, FL one of the radio stations paid money
($100-500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner
$300.) I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office. I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 am. I had just packed every one off to school and it was 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car, and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said, "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" But I didn't respond. The appointment was over. I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normally- some shopping, cleaning, and evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening, my 14-year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance when she called down from the bathroom, "MOM, where is my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She yelled back "No! I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it." ********** background by Cathye |