MOOOOOOANNNNNNNNNN A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49." The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!" ***** After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire. "But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?" ***** A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer ............ and some of those peanuts. The bartender says, "sure, but why the big paws?" ***** My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing. She's just having contractions." ***** A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." above jokes from "Reader's Digest", September 2005 **********
Scientists in China have recently performed
the first successful cloning of a human being. Unfortunately, the DNA
donor for the cloning had Turrets Syndrome. As a result, the clone
exhibited the same characteristic swearing tendencies as the donor.
The lead scientist for the project recently
admitted taking the clone to the roof of the science facility and
pushing him to his death. This, due to the incessant profanity which the
new clone
used.
The scientist has been charged with making an obscene clone fall. ********** Two robins were sitting on a branch high in a tree. One looked down and saw a field full of worms. Turning to the second bird he said, "We ought to go down there and eat." "Good idea," said his friend. The two of them flew down to the field and ate their fill and then some. When he could eat no more one said to the other, "You know, we ought to stop eating and fly back to our branch." Rubbing his belly the second responded, "Yep." With that they tried to fly to their branch in the tree, but they had eaten too much to get off the ground. The second one said, "Maybe we should just stay here and relax in the sun." Before long the two birds slept, basking in the afternoon sun. As they slept, a cat happened upon the field. Seeing the birds, sleeping, and oblivious to his presence, the cat pounced. As feather s settled around him, the cat rubbed his belly, and said, "There is nothing better than...
baskin' robins." ********** A man is eating in a
fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has
been checking her out all night, but he lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly,
she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He
reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
"You just happened to catch my eye." ********** A tourist in Vienna
is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around,
so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is
coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig Von Beethoven,
1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being
played backward!
He's decomposing!" ********** Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the necessary funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hug beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that..........
Only Hugh can prevent florist friars. ********** A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash. The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating ..........
a bottomless pit. ********** I have a dog that
talks in its sleep, but one day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My
name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America!
I married Marilyn Monroe!"
just let sleeping dogs lie." ********** In the early 1700's, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No." After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became..........
the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog! ********** One time my father accompanied me when I took my dog out for his evening constitutional. My dog is rather finicky about where he "does it." I wondered aloud about the criterion he uses to select a spot. My father replied,...........
"it's a process of elimination!" ********** A bill collector
knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the
woman who answered the door.
"Gone - But Not for Cotton." ********** A monastery in the
English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to
defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery. Being English, however, they
decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very
popular, attracting people from all over.
"I'm the 'chip monk'." ********** A blonde's car breaks
down on the interstate one day, so she eases it over to the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench
coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and
begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not
surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups in the history of this highway occurs.
"Those are my emergency flashers!" ********** A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumpted in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry. A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said...
"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because she had become ...
a real night mare.
background by Cathye
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