Actual Newspaper
Headlines
1.Something Went
Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6.Farmer Bill Dies in House
7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8.Stud Tires Out
9.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
11.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
12.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
13.Eye Drops off Shelf
14.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
16.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
17.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
18.Miners Refuse to Work after Death
19.Stolen Painting Found by Tree
20.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
21.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
22.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
23.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
24.War Dims Hope for Peace
25.If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
26.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
27.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
28.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
31.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
32.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
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The Top 15 Signs That
You've Had TOO MUCH Of The 90's
15. You try to enter your
password on the microwave.
14. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
13. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
12. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready,
and he e-mails you back, "What's for dinner?"
11. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
10. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
9. Your daughter
just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play
that you most despised.
8. Every commercial on television has a website address at the
bottom of the screen.
7. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now
sells for half the price you paid.
6. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to
make a purchase is foreign to you.
5. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags
out of the back seat of your car.
4. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they
do not have e-mail addresses.
3. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
2. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing
cabinet.
And the Number 1 sign that you've had too much of the 90's...
1. You hear most of
your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
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29 SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A
KID
1. You're asleep, but others worry
that you're dead.
2. You are proud of your lawn mower.
3. You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
4. Your back goes out more than you do.
5. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter
who walks in the room.
6. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
7. Your best friend is dating someone half their age
. . . and isn't breaking any laws.
8. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
9. You sing along with the elevator music.
10. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
11. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
12. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
13. You consider coffee one of the most important
things in life.
14. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
15. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
16. You have a dream about prunes.
17. You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
18. You send money to PBS.
19. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near
the top of your pants.
20. You take a metal detector to the beach.
21. You wear black socks with sandals.
22. You know what the word "equity" means.
23. You can't remember the last time you laid on the
floor to watch t.v.
24. Your ears are hairier than your head.
25. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring
to someone's lawn.
26. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
27. You got cable for the weather channel.
28. You can go bowling without drinking.
29. You have a party and the neighbors don't even
realize it.
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Top 25 Signs That You've Already
Grown Up
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Your idea of a great weekend is getting to sleep late on Saturday morning.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 600 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids
next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You sit down on the floor and can't get back up.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
23. You hear a child yell "mom" or "dad" in the store and you turn
around to answer.
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You need a night light...not because of monsters but so you can find your
way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
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