KIDS...
WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT!
(updated 6-8-00)

     A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.  The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
     "What are you doing?" his mother asked.
     "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.  "I'm looking for the seal."     

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     A wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
     "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
     "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
     The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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     A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.  On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
     "How did you know?" his mother asked.
     "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.  "I think it's printed on the bottom."

**********

     Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself.  His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot.  She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
     He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom.  They're the only feet I got!"

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     On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
     A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

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This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a  McDonald's fast-food establishment in   Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice  President. But  seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a   position to be picky, I  wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited  to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? On the job, no;  on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?   Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.   Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

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If You Love Something

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, It will always  be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin  with.

But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,  eats your food, uses
your telephone, takes your money, and
doesn't appear  to realize that you've set it
free.....

You either married it or gave  birth to it.

**********

Attention Children

The Bathroom Door is closed.
Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask  questions.
Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked.
I want it that way.
It is not broken, I am not trapped.
I know I have left it unlocked, and  even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it's been 10 years and I want some
PRIVACY.
Do not ask me how long I will be.
I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the BATHROOM!"
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.
Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
  If you have followed me down the hall talking,  and are still talking as You face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.
Mom

**********

History Of The World
According To Actual Grade School Student Exam Papers!

           1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

           2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.  Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

           3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

           4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.

           5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

           6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.

           7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks.  History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.

           8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying he gasped out 'Tee hee, Brutus'

           9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

           10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.

           11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen' As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "hurrah,"

           12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

           13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

           14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

           15. One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

           16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and half Italian and half English. He was very large.

           17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

           18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and  inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

           19.Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a  naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.   Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Mark Brothers.

           20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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