|
WELL,
DUHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop
souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the
registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system
that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states,
"Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He
opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is
your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys,
passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other
information."
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off
the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states:
"Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your
packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets,
and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the
registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia.
Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your
packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes,
and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing.
They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont.
They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their
cover stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire
under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont.
Fencing."
********** The manager of a ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her sales clerks a little talking-to. "Judy, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled
Judy. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"
Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Judy's sales figures went way up,
and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and
congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Judy nodded. "It took me a whole weekend
to find the right word, but I did: 'fantastic.'"
"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said
the manager encouragingly. "How've you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she
needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she
was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the
best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most
money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but
hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week:
the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep
buying."
"Excellent work, Tina," complimented
her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what sis you used to say to
customers before you discovered your power word?"
Tina shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives
a damn?'"
********** It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a
busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed
to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd,
pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first
aid." ********** The Priest, the Drunkard, and the Engineer They're leading a priest, a drunkard and an
engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when
he meets his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking
toward Heaven when he died. They raised the blade of the guillotine and released it. It
came speeding down and suddenly stopped, just inches from his neck. The authorities took
this as Divine Intervention and released the priest. ********** I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when theclerk
noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me
that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why,
she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the
signature I just signed on the receipt. ********** My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" ********** I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason Many deer were bein hit by cars and he no longer wanted the deer to cross there. ********** A lawyer cross-examined a pathologist, trying to establish a time frame
for the death and the post-mortem. The pathologist said the examination took place
in the evening. "And the victim was dead at the time, is that correct?"
asked the lawyer. --from Reader's Digest - February '97 **********
background by Cathye |