*****

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" 

 "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." 

 And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." 

 Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." 

 Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know? 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light". 

 After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection.

 At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"  

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?" 

 An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. 

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. 

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." 

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. 

"Where are you going?"she asked. 

"To get my teeth!"  

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" 

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" 

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." 

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" 

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" 

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." 

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." 

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn't forget.

Several days later the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, "Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you're up."

"Okay," he said.

"...and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries on it, too," she added. "You'd better write all this down."

"I won't forget!" he said.

Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon.

She glared at him. "Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you'd forget."

"What did I forget?" he asked.

She replied, "My toast!"

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of  the men asked the other, "Doug, how was the memory clinic you went to  last month?"  

 "Outstanding," Doug replied. "They taught us all the latest  psychological techniques - visualization, association - it has made a  big difference for me."  

 "That's great! What was the name of that clinic?"  

 Doug went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.  Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call  that flower with the long stem and thorns?"  

"You mean a rose?"  

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife... "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic we went to?

***** 

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.  

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."  

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

      An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have  his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.   The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination,  I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
     The old woman says, "Oh no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
     The doctor says, "No, physically he is OK, but I'm worried about him mentally."
     The old woman questions, "What do you mean?" 
     The doctor says, "Well I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him.  When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him." 
     The old woman responded, "Son of a gun, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

     An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man,  "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?"
     " In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty.   And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
       "This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research  and get back to you."
      After examining the elderly lady, the doctor  said,   "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"  The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
     The doctor then asked,  "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
       "Oh that old buzzard"! she replied. "That`s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to  every  man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet:  if it tastes good, spit it out.

  It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Last Will and Testament:   Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.  One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or whether I need to start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my   way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;  knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"