LAUGHTER IS GOOD
FOR THE SOUL
If you can learn to laugh in spite of the circumstances that surround you, you will enrich others, enrich yourself, and more than that, you will last!
ADOLESCENCE
The best
way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and to let the air
out of the tires.
...Dorothy Parker
Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
ADVERSITY
Frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them.
AGE
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
An old-timer is anyone who learned to ride a bicycle before it became a fitness machine.
Men have three basic hair styles: parted, unparted, and departed.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair as you once got from a roller coaster.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
The only way to look younger is to not be born so soon.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!
Some people grow up and spread cheer...others just grow up and spread.
Our aim in life improves as we grow older, but it seems that we soon run out of ammunition.
You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
ANGER
No matter how long you nurse a grudge, it won't get better.
BELIEF
When you stop believing in Santa Claus, you get underwear for Christmas.
CHANGE
Most people are willing to change, not because they see the light, but because they feel the heat!
Just when you think you are winning the rat race, along come faster rats.
CHILDREN
The secret to dealing successfully with a child is to not be its parent.
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: they would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
Now that we have automatic teller machines, we no longer have to tell our children that money does not grow on trees...they think it comes out of a wall.
CHURCH
Quote in a
church bulletin:
The Lord loveth a cheerful giver;
He also accepteth from a grouch.
COMMUNICATION
There's nothing wrong with having nothing to say, as long as you don't say it out loud.
DIETS
A new Chinese diet -- eat all you can, but use only one chopstick.
DREAMS
When your dreams turn to dust...vacuum!
ENCOURAGEMENT
Encouragement is like premium gas. It helps to take the knocks out of living.
EXERCISE
It's a proven fact that working out will increase your bust size. Unfortunately, it will also give you a neck the size of a Quaker Oats box.
Reason to smile: every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'til the thought goes away.
My idea of exercise is buying a Bobby Darin record and helping him snap fingers.
FAITH
If you grasp tomorrow with faith, you know the handle won't fall off.
FAMILY
Every family tree has a little sap.
FUTURE
Some carve out the future; others just whittle.
GOD
Godliness is the ability to let your light shine after your fuse is blown.
GRANDCHILDREN
The handwriting on the wall means that the grandchildren have found the crayons.
HOPE
What light? I'm still looking for the tunnel!
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
HUGS
I think I need a hug...and a maid and a cook and a chauffeur and a secretary and an accountant...and a lot more hugs.
HUMILITY
Humility is like underwear--essential, but indecent if it shows.
LAUGHTER
Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper--it doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.
He who laughs last...didn't get the joke.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old...you grow old because you stop laughing.
Humor is the hole that lets the sawdust out of a stuffed shirt.
LIFE
There will be no crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Life is like an ice-cream cone: just when you think you've got it licked, it drips all over you!
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
LOVE
I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you really got on my nerves.
MISC.
The rain falls on the just and the unjust, but chiefly on the just, because the unjust steals the just's umbrella.
Nothing is as hard to do gracefully as getting down off your high horse.
MISTAKES
Only some of us learn by other people's mistakes; the rest of us have to be the other people.
MOTHERHOOD
The joy of motherhood: what a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
OPINIONS
A well-informed person is somebody who has the same views and opinions as yours.
POSSIBILITIES
People who say nothing is impossible should try gargling with their mouths closed.
RELAXATION
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
SELF
I am better than I was, but not quite so good as I was before I got worse.
Every time I get my act together, the curtain comes down.
I have a photographic memory. Unfortunately, it only offers same-day service.
I used to have a handle on life, but then it fell off.
SUCCESS
The most frustrating thing in the world is when the key to success doesn't fit your ignition.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
The secret of success is to stay cool and calm on top and paddle like crazy underneath.
TACT
Tact is the rare ability to keep silent while two friends argue, all the while knowing they are both wrong.
THANKFULNESS
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. Right now, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
THINKING
A lot of people get through thinking before they get through thinking things through.
TIME
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will never die.
WORRY
Worry is like a rocking chair: it will give you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere.
The people who tell you never to let little things worry you have never tried sleeping in the same room with a mosquito.
YOUTH
Youth: By the time your face clears up, your mind gets fuzzy.